Sh*t My Dad Says

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After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all of the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

“That woman was once sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they may not screw you. Don&apost do it for them.”

“Do people your age understand how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and began fucking.”

“The worst thing you&aposll be able to be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you&aposll be able to be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”

More than 1,000,000 people now follow Mr. Halpern&aposs philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the most productive of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds at the Little League field, in Denny&aposs, right through excruciating circle of relatives road trips, and, most incessantly, in the Halperns&apos kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

Photographs from Sh*t My Dad Says
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I do not know why I&aposm sopping wet in this photo, but I will guess it is because I rolled in something filthy or spilled something on myself. Hosing me down was once my dad’s favorite method for cleaning me off.Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he adores and whose upkeep he is taking very seriously. “It is my first love, but even so your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose,” he’s said.My dad used to carry me on his shoulders somewhat a bit when I used to be a child–until the time I by accident urinated on him even as I used to be up there. We were at a neighbor’s house and he quickly ran outdoor, threw me off, ripped off his shirt, then hosed me down like he was once from the CDC and I&aposd come in contact with the Ebola Virus.

My dad is an avid reader, and all all the way through my childhood he’d come home after working for 12 hours and we’d take a seat at the couch and read together.My circle of relatives’s go back and forth to the Grand Canyon in 1983 was once one in all only two circle of relatives vacations we took. It coincided with the time when my dad began to lose his hair, and determined he&aposd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn’t long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and determined he didn’t care what any individual else thought.

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